Madeline, as a ballerina and a principal dancer at the San Francisco Ballet, what is it like to step on stage to perform?
See, the thing is that I’m still very much a bundle of nerves before going on stage. For me, that’s the worst moment because I have all this fear of things going wrong, and the dread of getting really tired, knowing it’s going to be exhausting… But then when you step on stage to perform, you stop thinking about any of that. You just really get lost in the choreography and there’s this feeling just being completely and utterly present in the moment. It’s really amazing, and really magical things happen from that adrenaline and the energy of the audience. It’s the coolest thing.
You’ve been dancing since before you could even walk — do you really still get nervous?
Definitely. I mean, I was a really shy kid and I still am shy! I am very easily embarrassed, I’m naturally quite introverted. It’s been a big hurdle for me, but I’ve grown my confidence over the years… It really is all about being prepared to be judged by other people and keep going, even though you feel that. Just keep going, keep doing what you’re doing, let them say whatever they want, they’re going to get it out of their system, and then no one’s is going care. And you can always admire the fact that you kept doing what you’re doing.
“That’s what kept me going, just having that confidence and believing that one day I was going to be great, but I just wasn’t there yet.”
The singer Jessie Ware is also a naturally shy person, but she describes going on stage as kind of like stepping into a persona or an alter ego.
Exactly, it doesn’t feel like you’re performing in front of thousands of people or anything. I’ve trained to do this, I’m really excited about it, and it doesn’t feel like I’m myself. It’s totally like an alter ego because they don’t know who I am! I’m not interacting with people, I just do my thing. I’ve also been dancing for so long, as you said, it feels almost like second nature. I don’t even remember choosing to do dance. I really resonated with ballet, not just for the actual dancing but also the community building aspect. I met my best friend in my first ballet class! It was a way for me to connect with the outside world.
Your family was also very supportive of your goals, which I think is so essential for kids in the performing arts.
My mom was a modern dancer as well, so she really understood that this is what I was going to do when I grew up. It always felt like this was going to be my path. I had some amazing teachers growing up as well, Victor and Tatiana Kosatsky, they’re Russian teachers in Orange County who recently retired. They really helped to guide me there and plant the seed in my head. It always felt like this was my “destiny,” if you want to call it that! Even when I had setbacks… I remember in my local competitions, I was winning first place, being told I was amazing, so I had this kind of inflated ego that I think needed to be humbled a bit. So when I attended a competition in Moscow and I didn’t even get through past the first round — that was really a big disappointment. And then I went to Prix de Lausanne, and I didn’t even get into the finals when all my friends did, it was so tough. It was extremely disheartening, but I managed to tell myself, like, they’re just not ready for me, I just wasn’t ready for them… I know I’m going to be great in the future. I just needed time.
Was it hard for you to come to terms with that?
No, that’s what kept me going, just having that confidence and believing that one day I was going to be great, but I just wasn’t there yet.
Apparently you later had a teacher who would give you bigger and more challenging roles than you were necessarily ready for. You’ve said that this was another key to your growth and confidence as a dancer.
I feel like you grow the most when you’re uncomfortable! And I was given many roles where I definitely felt extremely uncomfortable simply because I wasn’t that type of dancer, I wasn’t really graceful and slow-moving. I was more on the explosive side and I always wanted to do that sort of stuff, but in the end, forcing myself to do those roles, I obviously got better at them because I needed to. Now that slow graceful style is my favorite style of dance. As an adult looking back, I really appreciate that. Another thing that helped my confidence was I started dressing the way I wanted, and that totally changed how my body looked and the way I dance.
What do you mean?
Well, in ballet school we’re wearing these uniforms that are very exposing: the long pink tights, ballet slippers with ribbons, and a black leotard. It was the bane of my existence, this uniform was totally unflattering, especially when I was going through puberty and people were no longer talking about my skill as a dancer but commenting on my body, telling me I need to lose weight, telling me I looked fat. It sets you up for failure, you just start believing what they’re saying. Once I joined a company, I started to have the freedom to dress however I wanted, to express my individuality. I could wear a top that wasn’t a leotard, I could wear baggy clothes if I wanted to, and even though it might be frowned upon by other dancers sometimes, it makes me feel so much more comfortable. It totally transforms how I’m feeling, and that makes me a stronger, more confident dancer. That’s one of the reasons I started my own clothing line, MADDWOO, because I realized how much you can change how you feel just by changing your clothes.
We often hear about dancers who dedicate their entire lives to their craft, but it seems like you’re embracing more of a balance in that respect.
I think to become a more well-rounded dancer, you need to experience life outside of dance! So for me, running a business and being a dancer, I can’t say it hasn’t been stressful, but it’s been rewarding as well. And I think being a dancer for my whole life, I’ve learned what that dedication and hard work is like, pushing yourself really hard, perseverance… I know all of that from dance, so it’s now just in a different font. I’m also prioritizing spending time with my community, with friends, with family. You need to invest time into those relationships, so that you can become a more well-rounded person. Those experiences outside of dance also help you with your storytelling… It all makes you better.There’s so many ways to improve your dancing that isn’t just working in the studio. Realizing that has really helped me become not only the dancer I want to be but also the person I want to be. I’ve worked my ass off to get here, and I’m really proud of where I’ve come to.